104 replies to this topic

[WreckWench]

While the logical mind likes to rationalize things (lord knows I've done that for years and I have nothing but rationalizations to show for it) when someone likes you and it clicks...in most cases there is nothing rational about it...THEY LIKE YOU AND IT CLICKS AND IT SHOWS!

And they don't take 'no' for an answer...nor do they deter thier mission...UNLESS you specifically derail them. From the sounds of things...you did not do that.

Yes life sometimes interferes but they will TELL you that. I know if I can't 'keep a relationship going' at the same pace/speed due to life interfering I tell the other person so that they don't get the wrong impression.

OTOH...realtionships are very fragile in the early stages because most of them are based upon chemistry and chemistry is a very volatile and dicey combination of things we can't always figure out. Its a combo of wanting what you can't have...getting nervous if you find you 'have found it' too soon...some overlap from every relationship you've ever been in aka 'baggage' and sexual tension/chemistry. As you start to seek out a foundation for that chemistry to work within...often you encounter problems. (But logic says this is and should be a normal part of the culling process.)

The strange thing to me is that relationships are like playing the lottery...everytime you start one the odds of you hitting the 'big jackpot' are pretty slim. However we rarely get upset when our real lottery ticket doesn't pay off...in fact we sort of expect it. However when the dating lottery doesn't pay off we are shocked, upset and dumbfounded. Yet the odds are the same....unless you do proactive things to increase those odds, keep your mind and wits about yourself, then focus on other 'things' after you leveraged the odds in your favor, as men and women seem to know when you are 'focused' on finding a relationship and then they run...unless they are a 'player' and we've had that discussion already.

So scubagirl you did the right thing. And accept the pass for what its worth. In fact be thankful that you are decisive...lord knows I wasted way too much time trying to keep something going that never was there. So get out there and go dancing. If you liked any of his buddies then dance with them. If they fear he's still interested explain there is nothing there and never was so they can dance all they like. And go diving...its good for the soul!

BTW...since SD is not a dating site...its just what the scubadoc ordered!

[cmt489]

Soooooo I went over to his house on Sunday thinking he was at work (because that is what he told me he was going to be) and saw that he had done some major yard work and was home. I rang the bell, he answered, looking shocked I might add, I said hey wanted to drop this off and said cya and turned around and walked to my car. Guess that wasn't the right thing to do either but I was through.

I think you did absolutely the right thing! Even if he was still interested he wasn't interested (or motivated) enough to do anything about it. Effort tends to drop off in relationships and if he was going to display so little at this time there was likely nothing better to come...

[Walter]

He didn't stop calling. He stopped calling every day.

Well the last call I got, no wait, I called him. Had a Tshirt I needed to return to him. He said he was on his way to Brenham with some buddies. I said oh great well I have a Tshirt I need to return to you. He said well I won't be there and then He asked if i was going out tonight (saturday) I said yes, he said to BT and I said yes. He said he was going up there too. I said okay...pause...he said he would call me this afternoon. No call and didn't show. Okay guys take that and run with it....whats up with that. Soooooo I went over to his house on Sunday thinking he was at work (because that is what he told me he was going to be) and saw that he had done some major yard work and was home. I rang the bell, he answered, looking shocked I might add, I said hey wanted to drop this off and said cya and turned around and walked to my car. Guess that wasn't the right thing to do either but I was through.

My thoughts on this experience is this. If something happened to freak him out or he lost interestest then have enuf ba (double Ls) to say something. Why should I be the one to ask him what has happened? And yes if they don't call...they are just not into you anymore. I read the book as well.

Yeah, that does sound like he's not interested and just too much of a coweard to face you with it. More on to something better. Good luck.

[annasea]

Kudos to you, scubagirl! I'll *third* that you totally did the right thing! (You're a wonderful example of my sig line. ) You might find this thread interesting, BTW.

[finGrabber]

it's entirely possible that his buddies freaked him out by calling you his girlfriend

I think the whole "what am I to this other person" question is a grey area

friends
dating
girlfriend/boyfriend
committed and not dating anyone else
married
etc

when you start getting signals like he's putting out to you, then back off and give him space...maybe he's thinking a 'girlfriend' is more commitment than he's ready for

[scubagirl]

I just want to thank you all for your wisdom. Believe it or not, you did help. My motto is NEXT. I don't have time for the drama, indecisiveness, and lack of communication. He just doesn't know what he is missing...lol. So I am going out dancing and if his buddies still have the phobia, well let em stand up against wall cause this gal will be dancing. THANKS!!!!!

[WreckWench]

I'm proud of you! You did good! Who knows he might just want you back...seems people always want what they can't have!

Besides you are way too attractive and a great catch to worry about one poor fish who doesn't know what he wants. Or perhaps he does...but for now that's just not you. So 'next' is the right attitude. Besides the next one or the one after that could be the 'keeper'!!!

So swim forest...er I mean scubagirl swim!!! And have a good time enjoying life. Its just too short to not do so! -ww


p.s. great posts! I look forward to them...they are always thought provoking!

[jholley309]

I just want to thank you all for your wisdom. Believe it or not, you did help. My motto is NEXT. I don't have time for the drama, indecisiveness, and lack of communication. He just doesn't know what he is missing...lol. So I am going out dancing and if his buddies still have the phobia, well let em stand up against wall cause this gal will be dancing. THANKS!!!!!

For my part, I think you did the right thing. If he had time to go out with his buddies and do major yard work, he had time to spend with you, too. He just didn't want to. And he was too much of a...er, wimp to admit it, do the honorable thing, and let you know so you could jump back into the lake. (You know, the one that has all the other fish in it.)

Guys like that really tick me off. They make it more difficult for guys like me (decent, hard working, honest, straighforward, and open) to snag a decent lady. The ladies are always trying to second guess what us decent guys say or do because they've been taken for a ride one too many times by a creep (or perhaps just a sluggo). Of course, us decent guys always feel like we're walking through a minefield because we know the ladies are second guessing us, and we can't figure out a way to convince them that we're for real. And in truth, only time tells that tale anyway; us decent guys are just hoping that the lady doesn't get spooked by something that they read into a conversation or action (like my fondness for sending ladies flowers; they think I'm schmoozing them to make up for a guilty conscience when all I'm trying to do is say "You're Special!") and bolt into the Wild Blue Yonder.

So forget him. And if his buddies are still shy forget them, too. Hook up with Sandy and/or Tina and go diving somewhere.

Oh, and to answer your original question, I'll put it this way: I wouldn't want my buddies putting the moves on my girl, so I don't put the moves one somebody else's girl either. Kind of a Golden Rule approach.

Cheers!

Jim

[sunshinediver]

Guys like that really tick me off. They make it more difficult for guys like me (decent, hard working, honest, straighforward, and open) to snag a decent lady. The ladies are always trying to second guess what us decent guys say or do because they've been taken for a ride one too many times by a creep (or perhaps just a sluggo). Of course, us decent guys always feel like we're walking through a minefield because we know the ladies are second guessing us, and we can't figure out a way to convince them that we're for real. And in truth, only time tells that tale anyway; us decent guys are just hoping that the lady doesn't get spooked by something that they read into a conversation or action (like my fondness for sending ladies flowers; they think I'm schmoozing them to make up for a guilty conscience when all I'm trying to do is say "You're Special!") and bolt into the Wild Blue Yonder.

Hey scubagirl, I agree that you did the right thing. I just came out of an equally confusing less than 3 week "relationship." The guy called me every day. He asked me out on 6 dates in 7 nights. All dates were fun, and we seemed on the fast track to a happy thing. Then, he just stopped trying. He got busy...not too busy to spend time on his myspace account, but too busy to call. I voiced my concerns and he ran away. Man, dating sucks. And it sucks to be alone at Christmas time. Oh well. Better to find out these things sooner rather than later.

As far as jholley309 goes, where are all the nice guys like you? After the last creep I was in a relationship with, I took a 1.5 year break from dating. I was sick of it. Then, I felt like I had healed and was ready to meet the right guy. I kept an open mind, dated here and there quite a bit, then snagged the next creep who had actually convinced me he was real...but he wasn't. Uggh.

Oh well. As scubagirl said, NEXT!

And WreckWench, wow, awesome advice...and congratulations! You give the rest of us girls hope.

[Moose]

As far as jholley309 goes, where are all the nice guys like you?

Warning, painful truth in the form of a rant is to follow. Don't read it if you are sensitive to such matters.

Ugh,

I’ve been biting my tongue on this for a while. But this question always gets me. The absolute truth is that women don’t want nice guys. I know, it sounds like a broad generalization, but it’s mostly true. I know because I fall in this category. What makes me think that I’m a “nice guy?” Well, it’s because after dating a women, I normally get the “you’re a nice guy, and I want to stay friends” speech. But here is the kicker, they REALLY do want to stay friends. In fact, most of my ex’s still call to tell me about their current “favor of the week jerk boyfriends.” Then, to twist the knife in my back, I get the “why can’t I find a nice guy like you?” Then, after I explain to them that I’m here, they retort with either, “but I don’t want to lose our friendship,” or “I’m just not attracted to you in that way.”

Casting all modestly aside, I am a nice guy. I’m a responsible, professional non-smoker that works hard, but loves to have fun as well. I’m in pretty good shape, and my face doesn’t frighten small children, (most of the time) It’s just about what every girl writes that they are looking for in a man in the on-line personals. Yet, I get looked over for the guy that wears the trendy pants. Or the drunk guy that sits at a bar every night drinking away what little of a paycheck they make. Of the guy that sits and watches football and Nascar all weekend instead of spending time sharing his life with the beautiful women standing in the next room.

Here is where the insight comes into play. After I came back from Desert Storm, I got a job as a cop. I had an ego that could make Brad Pitt coward. I was a total a**hole and didn’t care who thought so. But, during that time, women loved me. The less I paid attention to them, the more they wanted me.

15 years has past since then. I’m no longer a cop, and I found a balance in my life that includes goodness towards others. I volunteer at the Women’s Crisis Center and at a local horse hospital. In fact, my Alma Mata just awarded me its highest alumni honor for a program that I’m starting to help clients of the WCC get their college degree. But I couldn’t get a date to save my life. (I was the only person who was stag at the black-tie award banquet, in my honor.)

Working with the clients of the women’s crisis center, I can’t believe the horrors that these women endure, and still udder phases like, “But I still love him.” As a cop, I was stabbed by a guy who was trying to kill his girlfriend in a bar. He did a little time in jail, and guess what? She waited for him. She even picked him up the day he got out.

So maybe you ladies could enlighten us on what is it about a guy that really is honest and genuine, that’s caring and thoughtful, that is so unappealing? I understand it must have something to do with the “I only want what I can’t have syndrome,” But where does it end?

[cmt489]

So maybe you ladies could enlighten us on what is it about a guy that really is honest and genuine, that’s caring and thoughtful, that is so unappealing? I understand it must have something to do with the “I only want what I can’t have syndrome,” But where does it end?

Hmm... All I can say Moose is that a nice, honest and genuine guy who is caring and thoughtful is not unappealing to all of us. As I have gotten older, I have had less and less time for BS and, quite simply, assuming the relationship is serious, will not tolerate dating jerks anymore.

[sunshinediver]

As far as jholley309 goes, where are all the nice guys like you?

Warning, painful truth in the form of a rant is to follow. Don't read it if you are sensitive to such matters.

Ugh,

I’ve been biting my tongue on this for a while. But this question always gets me. The absolute truth is that women don’t want nice guys. I know, it sounds like a broad generalization, but it’s mostly true. I know because I fall in this category. What makes me think that I’m a “nice guy?” Well, it’s because after dating a women, I normally get the “you’re a nice guy, and I want to stay friends” speech. But here is the kicker, they REALLY do want to stay friends. In fact, most of my ex’s still call to tell me about their current “favor of the week jerk boyfriends.” Then, to twist the knife in my back, I get the “why can’t I find a nice guy like you?” Then, after I explain to them that I’m here, they retort with either, “but I don’t want to lose our friendship,” or “I’m just not attracted to you in that way.”

Casting all modestly aside, I am a nice guy. I’m a responsible, professional non-smoker that works hard, but loves to have fun as well. I’m in pretty good shape, and my face doesn’t frighten small children, (most of the time) It’s just about what every girl writes that they are looking for in a man in the on-line personals. Yet, I get looked over for the guy that wears the trendy pants. Or the drunk guy that sits at a bar every night drinking away what little of a paycheck they make. Of the guy that sits and watches football and Nascar all weekend instead of spending time sharing his life with the beautiful women standing in the next room.

Here is where the insight comes into play. After I came back from Desert Storm, I got a job as a cop. I had an ego that could make Brad Pitt coward. I was a total a**hole and didn’t care who thought so. But, during that time, women loved me. The less I paid attention to them, the more they wanted me.

15 years has past since then. I’m no longer a cop, and I found a balance in my life that includes goodness towards others. I volunteer at the Women’s Crisis Center and at a local horse hospital. In fact, my Alma Mata just awarded me its highest alumni honor for a program that I’m starting to help clients of the WCC get their college degree. But I couldn’t get a date to save my life. (I was the only person who was stag at the black-tie award banquet, in my honor.)

Working with the clients of the women’s crisis center, I can’t believe the horrors that these women endure, and still udder phases like, “But I still love him.” As a cop, I was stabbed by a guy who was trying to kill his girlfriend in a bar. He did a little time in jail, and guess what? She waited for him. She even picked him up the day he got out.

So maybe you ladies could enlighten us on what is it about a guy that really is honest and genuine, that’s caring and thoughtful, that is so unappealing? I understand it must have something to do with the “I only want what I can’t have syndrome,” But where does it end?

Well, I do like nice guys, and I've never had a problem dating them. I've also never been in an abusive relationship, and if anyone had the gall to try to hit me, I'd run away and report him. I know that girls like the ones you mentioned deep down are very insecure. It is sad.

As far as your question goes, it goes both ways, you know. I am always comforting my nice guy friends after they have breakups with the girls they are interested in. I guess you just have to have that chemistry. By most of my guy friends' accounts, I'd make a great catch. I love guy things and am pretty laid back about life in general, though I have been successful...except in love. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've dated guys with drastically different physical, spiritual, and personality traits. My only requirements are no smoking, in my age range (definitely don't want to date a guy closer to my dad's age than mine), and in an actual relationship, equal respect and equal caring. It's the respect and caring part that seem to be so strong in the beginning and fades so quickly. The last guy couldn't stop telling me how "awesome" I was...until I tried to talk to him about my concerns.

Maybe I'll just go back on dating hiatus....

[Moose]

I guess you just have to have that chemistry.

I guess my problem is that if there is "chemistry" between two people, I'm the antidote

[dive1dennis]

However note, this advice comes from a single, never married, 35 year old man. (But I do have pets and plants that survive for years. This is a good indicator if a man is responsible and able to make a commitment!) 8>)

Oh yeah, I've got money. Hey, wait, what the hell is wrong with me? It's not like I got a third arm or something.

Great, now I'm depressed! 8>)

I too feel like I fall into this category. BTW I have a houseplant that is probably 17 years old!
Consider for a moment about how easy air sharing would be with a third arm....

Warning, painful truth in the form of a rant is to follow. Don't read it if you are sensitive to such matters.

Ugh,

I’ve been biting my tongue on this for a while. But this question always gets me. The absolute truth is that women don’t want nice guys. I know, it sounds like a broad generalization, but it’s mostly true. I know because I fall in this category. .......

So maybe you ladies could enlighten us on what is it about a guy that really is honest and genuine, that’s caring and thoughtful, that is so unappealing? I understand it must have something to do with the “I only want what I can’t have syndrome,” But where does it end?

Too funny Moose. Reading your posts is like listening to me talk to myself

While the logical mind likes to rationalize things (lord knows I've done that for years and I have nothing but rationalizations to show for it) when someone likes you and it clicks...in most cases there is nothing rational about it...THEY LIKE YOU AND IT CLICKS AND IT SHOWS!....

WW, you hit it in my case. Way too much rationalization, or maybe that is simply me trying to rationalize the mismatched relationships that I seem to be drawn to. It's an interesting paradox, one that I've pondered may times

The strange thing to me is that relationships are like playing the lottery...everytime you start one the odds of you hitting the 'big jackpot' are pretty slim. However we rarely get upset when our real lottery ticket doesn't pay off...in fact we sort of expect it. However when the dating lottery doesn't pay off we are shocked, upset and dumbfounded. Yet the odds are the same....unless you do proactive things to increase those odds, keep your mind and wits about yourself, then focus on other 'things' after you leveraged the odds in your favor, as men and women seem to know when you are 'focused' on finding a relationship and then they run...unless they are a 'player' and we've had that discussion already.

Tall order isn't it!

And go diving...its good for the soul!

BTW...since SD is not a dating site...its just what the scubadoc ordered!

So true!

[jholley309]

Well, I was going to reply to Moose's post here, but decided to start a new thread here.

Cheers!

Jim