94 replies to this topic

[robcgould]

don't try and "fix" everything for me ~ I will ask when I need help

Don't feel the need to talk our ear off about stuff that you don't want us to fix. We're fixers; it's what we do. Gabbing for the sake of gabbing is what your girlfriends are for.

The best start to a relationship is being friends.
Friends should be able to express frustrations, anger (about some one/thing else), concerns and anything else, even if it is just to vent. I would not want my partner to have to go to someone else because she felt that I would have to 'fix it'. This is where openness and putting the other before yourself comes in.
Personal opinion is great, I just happen to disagree on this one.

Edited by robcgould, 13 September 2007 - 03:37 PM.

[robcgould]

Don't expect the guy to be like your Dad, or your former boyfriend you were crazy about but he wasn't crazy about you, or whoever. Love him for who he is. Listen when he tells you what made his past significant relationships bad and pick up a few tips on what not to do. Once the "L" word has been exchanged and both parties are fully comfortable with it, be sure to say "I love you" a lot. Also, the suggestion about rubbing feet/rubbing other parts for women/guys is also right on the money (not that guys don't like their feet rubbed, too).

Wanna get married mantarraya?

[Cold_H2O]

don't try and "fix" everything for me ~ I will ask when I need help

Don't feel the need to talk our ear off about stuff that you don't want us to fix. We're fixers; it's what we do. Gabbing for the sake of gabbing is what your girlfriends are for.

The best start to a relationship is being friends.
Friends should be able to express frustrations, anger (about some one/thing else), concerns and anything else, even if it is just to vent. I would not want my partner to have to go to someone else because she felt that I would have to 'fix it'. This is where openness and putting the other before yourself comes in.
Personal opinion is great, I just happen to disagree on this one.

I also want my partner to be a friend first.
Being open and honest is a HUGE part of a good relationship.

I have met many men who if I said ~ "I need to get the oil changed in my car" would go and schedule an appointment, arrange to take my car that day and get it "fixed" for me.
I never wanted them to take care of things ~ I was just making conversation or reminding myself that I had to get it done.

It would be different if I had ask him to take care of it for me. Then a would have been needed.

Mutual respect is what I need in a relationship. Each person contributing.

[Moose]

I have met many men who if I said ~ "I need to get the oil changed in my car" would go and schedule an appointment, arrange to take my car that day and get it "fixed" for me.
I never wanted them to take care of things ~ I was just making conversation or reminding myself that I had to get it done.

But you see, this is exactly the communication gap between men and women that makes relationships fail. (Gis_gal, I'm not picking on you or anything, but your example is perfect for illustration of my point.)

Men and women think differently, COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY.

Men don’t think in terms of “something isn’t right, lets talk about it.” Men think, “Something isn’t right, I need to fix it.”

Not that either way is better, just that they are different. Once both parties understand that the other one is on a different playing field, it’s easier to work together. (I doubt that either person could really “change” to think like the other, nor do I think that would be for the best.)

I do have a question for you GG, when the male friend was making the appointment, or taking the car, did you talk to him about how you felt? Again, I’m not picking on you or anything, but I know in my past personal relationships, when these situations came up, the women never said anything to me, until months later. Often she had every opportunity to tell be even before I performed the “oil change,” but she never did.

[hnladue]

How about the line..... "I've only ever dated skinny girls"

nice..

[pir8]

I think on hearing that you need to get your Oil Changed or whatever it is for that matter, I would have to ask if you wanted me to handle it for you before i did anything else but that is the male instinct to perform maintenance.

[Cold_H2O]

But you see, this is exactly the communication gap between men and women that makes relationships fail. (Gis_gal, I'm not picking on you or anything, but your example is perfect for illustration of my point.)

Men and women think differently, COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY.

Men don’t think in terms of “something isn’t right, lets talk about it.” Men think, “Something isn’t right, I need to fix it.”

Not that either way is better, just that they are different. Once both parties understand that the other one is on a different playing field, it’s easier to work together. (I doubt that either person could really “change” to think like the other, nor do I think that would be for the best.)

I do have a question for you GG, when the male friend was making the appointment, or taking the car, did you talk to him about how you felt? Again, I’m not picking on you or anything, but I know in my past personal relationships, when these situations came up, the women never said anything to me, until months later. Often she had every opportunity to tell be even before I performed the “oil change,” but she never did.

Moose ~ I don't feel that you are picking on me and if I did I would let you know.
I have had to clearly state that while I appreciate the willingness to "help me out" I would prefer being ask it I needed/wanted the help FIRST.

Its not that I minded the "help" ~ I just don't like being made to feel helpless or stupid.
I am neither.

I would never assume that a man can't cook or do his own laundry.
I had a dive buddy offer to cook me dinner one night after a day of diving.
He wouldn't let me do anything to help.
It was one of the best dinners I have ever eaten.
Grilled Salmon, pasta with a fabulous 3 cheese sauce.
Everything was made from scratch and was wonderful.
I am a great cook but never once considered stepping in to show him how to do it better.
He was doing great on his own. I sat and watched while drinking a beer.

I am big on asking about things and not just doing.

Pir8 ~ Thank you... That is what I am looking for in a relationship.
Being ask if I wanted to take care of it myself or if I wanted it taken care of for me.

I do love that you men are fixers.... Wouldn't want you any other way.

Edited by gis_gal, 14 September 2007 - 04:53 PM.

[pir8]

How about the line..... "I've only ever dated skinny girls"

nice..

Never heard or used that one.
For that matter I don't think I would.
I prefer some meat on the bones.

[Cold_H2O]

How about the line..... "I've only ever dated skinny girls"

nice..

Sounds like a very rude person.
Someone I wouldn't want to waste any time on.

[Brinybay]

How about the line..... "I've only ever dated skinny girls"

nice..

It shows their ignorance of grammar matches their stupidity about women.

Edited by Brinybay, 15 September 2007 - 04:29 AM.

[GrumblePhish]

I am really fond of ruining a relationship with resentment. Make sure you start resenting the other person. This is best done by not communicating something that upsets you or masking how you really feel about their decision or action or inaction. Resentment can build up to dangerous levels until finally you loath them and then it all unravels from there.

[drbill]

Well, I thought I had a possible relationship developing with one of my dive buddies. No details. However, she decided to go with some other guy she'd met. What "ruined" this potential relationship? The fact I live on "remote" Catalina Island (like I'd want to live on the mainland with drive by's, traffic congestion, etc.). Of course we'll still dive together.

[pmarie]

I think I've read the majority of the comments, after having been married for almost 20 years and single for the last three I found this really interesting. I agree with the lying thing, please just be honest, communicate, and not take a partner for granted.

I certainly appreciate all of the words of wisdom, and humor that are presented here.

[WreckWench]

I think I've read the majority of the comments, after having been married for almost 20 years and single for the last three I found this really interesting. I agree with the lying thing, please just be honest, communicate, and not take a partner for granted.

I certainly appreciate all of the words of wisdom, and humor that are presented here.

Yes it will certainly work to erode if not completely destroy the foundation of your relationship!

[WreckWench]

I have met many men who if I said ~ "I need to get the oil changed in my car" would go and schedule an appointment, arrange to take my car that day and get it "fixed" for me.
I never wanted them to take care of things ~ I was just making conversation or reminding myself that I had to get it done.

But you see, this is exactly the communication gap between men and women that makes relationships fail. (Gis_gal, I'm not picking on you or anything, but your example is perfect for illustration of my point.)

Men and women think differently, COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY.

Men don’t think in terms of “something isn’t right, lets talk about it.” Men think, “Something isn’t right, I need to fix it.”

Not that either way is better, just that they are different. Once both parties understand that the other one is on a different playing field, it’s easier to work together. (I doubt that either person could really “change” to think like the other, nor do I think that would be for the best.)

I do have a question for you GG, when the male friend was making the appointment, or taking the car, did you talk to him about how you felt? Again, I’m not picking on you or anything, but I know in my past personal relationships, when these situations came up, the women never said anything to me, until months later. Often she had every opportunity to tell be even before I performed the “oil change,” but she never did.

WHOA!!! Now something makes sense to me....

When my mom says "The lawn needs mowing and the dishwashing machine is broken" my brother-in-law assumes that she it TELLING him he needs to fix it.

My sister and I assume she is just talking out loud or making conversation.

Truth is she is doing BOTH....

Seem she does the latter cuz that is what women do and now she expects the former cuz that is what my father trained her to do after being married for a million years!

Because it is convoluted I just ask...mom do you need us to get this fixed or are you just talking about it?

In a similar vein...

A number of times I talk to my new husband and complain about this or mention I need to do that...if I don't remember to tell him 'this is a just listen conversation' he will ask...do I need to fix anything or just listen? 99% of the time I tell him he just needs to listen and I smile!

A little communication goes a LONG LONG WAYS!